If you have seen one comedian, you have often seen many since they tend to borrow the same jokes from each other. When it comes to the great Steven Wright, however, everything is unique, bizarre and utterly hilarious.
Who is Steven Wright? He is a sublime comedian who has to be seen to be enjoyed. He once did an HBO special in a cardboard refrigerator box for two people which should tell you everything you need to know. If not, here are some of his quips on life.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Article Source: http://www.orbitaloc.com/
Aazdak Alisimo writes for FunnyQuotesDaily.com, where you can get free funny quotes updated each and every day of the year.
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