Our habits support what strategies we can use for effective communication. Consider the conflicts and frustration you experience every day. If you objectively observe these communication experiences don't be alarmed to find 98% of them are habitual communication breakdowns. Meaning, it's predictable that you will react the same way every time you encounter a specific stimulus (Think difficult co-worker, demanding spouse, and whiny children for clearer visual).
Most people never examine their habits when they're trying to resolve conflicts, triggered into frustration, or become upset over innocent comments. Our habits tend to run us, like we're on automatic pilot just reacting to whatever turbulence we encounter. Still worse, unexamined habits prevent effective communication because we unintentionally inflame them by using strategies not coherent with our habits. I call this Communication Frustration because that's often the result for everyone involved when the following 3 habits take over our conversations.
Habit #1 - The Habit of Moralistic Judgements
This habit implies wrongness or badness with people who don't act according to our values and desires. The habit of moralistic judgements includes language such as "You're selfish", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's not smart", "It's inappropriate", "That's rude", "That's not right", "That's wrong", "They're bad people", "She's a good person". Other forms of judgements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, and diagnoses. The focus of moralistic judgements is always on who IS what by classifying, labeling, and dichotomizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others
This habit is used to imply that you or someone else is irreparably lacking or deficient in some manner. The habit of comparisons includes language such as "She's not so great", "He doesn't deserve", "You're better than", "They just don't get it", "It's not fair", "She always", "I can't do it like", "Let me be devil's advocate". The focus of making comparisons is always about rationalizing. Who deserves what based on what we'd like to have happen or didn't happen to us and those we care about.
Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others
Convincing others we aren't personally responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the focus of this habit. Language we use to deny personal responsibility often includes "My boss says I have to", "I can't do it", "You make me angry", "She told me I could", "Nobody helped me", "I yelled because", "Why do you do that to me". Believing we're powerless given the choices available, we expect others to take responsibility for our our emotions, unspoken expectations, wants, and behaviors that we claim we couldn't control.
Start observing your daily conversations for where these habits show up regularly. Where are they most frequent with your spouse, children, and co-workers? Where do you want others to take responsibility for your feelings? How often do you break commitments, expecting others to clean up? What company policies, rules, and managers do you blame for not being satisfied with your career? Focus on fixing the habits that no longer support your ambitions. Keep in mind there's nothing wrong with you. It's your habits and strategies that need your attention.
Article Source: http://www.orbitaloc.com/
About the author: John Reisinger can help you develop remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and enjoy Remarkable Living.
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